There’s gotta be a better way to spend December.
Let’s face it: once you’re old enough to fall off of Santa’s “List”, Christmas loses some of its magic. Actually, it loses all its magic and turns into a super-commercialized orgy of over-eating, binge drinking, and familial Hell. But there isn’t any “bah, humbug” here… no siree! We just think the venerable holiday could use some fresh changes, nothing big… just a couple of twists here and there. Like a new cover of “White Christmas” sung by Robert Downey Jr. perhaps, or maybe a Ninja Santa, or instead of giving presents, give advice. That way everyone gives and gets. So we kindly suggest that you enact some of these new traditions in your celebration of this holiday season.
* Decorate your fireplace, tree, and house with long fatty strips of Christmas Bacon.
* Fill a pair of galoshes with cottage cheese and leave them by the door Christmas Eve. Check back in the morning to look for Santa’s little curds-slathered footprints.
* Get rid of your Christmas Tree and invest in the new Yuletide rage… The Chia Christ!
* Decorate your nipples with frosting, sprinkles, and tinsel.
* Attend Midnight Mass and hoot “boo-yah” every time the priest mentions “the savior”.
* Carve stars in pumpkins, and hide painted eggs in your yard while dressed up like Abraham Lincoln. When your neighbors ask you what you’re doing, respond, “I was going to ask you freaks the same thing.”
* Dress up like an elf, go to a playground, and collect lunch money from kids to “pay for Santa’s chemotherapy”. Buy a Christmas six pack with the proceeds.
* Find out exactly how many cups of spiked eggnog it takes to get sugarplums to dance in your head.
* Eat Christmas dinner at a soup kitchen in a suit and tie and complain loudly that the service is lousy, the creamed corn is lumpy, and someone smells like “ripe ass”.
* Casually hang out at a mall dressed like Santa. When hurried parents ask you if you’re the on-duty Santa, smile and say “No. I’m John Wayne Gacy”.
* Get the crap beaten out of you for showing the “Christmas Spirit” by hugging strangers on the street.
* Boil goat heads and festoon the outside of your house with them. Suggest to neighbors that they do the same because the skulls “spook flying reindeer”.
* Tell your parents you’re bringing home someone special, and then arrive with a life-sized Gingerbread Man. If you’re a man, tell your folks you’re “gay for gingerbread”. If you’re a woman, tell them you have something else “cooking in the oven”.
* Make sure all your toy-sized nativity scenes come with spring-loaded attack sheep, kung-fu grip wise men, and shepherds that transform into robotic tarantulas.
* Christmas Morning Happy Hour at Hooters, 6am ’til Noon.
