What do you think of this revised poem, Death time relevance….?

no title really….but revised, thank you Chie for the wonderful advice.

Sitting alone with death

Who came a-knocking at my door

Just a bit ago

To bring me a package that enclosed something I had lost

Long, long ago

You see, that red ribbon flew out of my hands

And time became irrelevant once again

Because this is not the first

And last time

Death has visited me to bring me that ribbon

That might have put things,

In…out of place

Death’s yielding fingers tie the ribbon around my neck

then gallantly exits

Ready….set…go…

I untie the ribbon and with a snap of the wrist

Its gone…

I gladly watch the ribbon stream through the sky

So I may feel deaths brief touch once again

2 Responses to What do you think of this revised poem, Death time relevance….?

  1. I like it for it’s use of colourful grammar, however it is to subjegated, and a little tiresomet o read, overall though well done.

    oh, and, btw, writing about death does not make you “emo”. It just makes you a wise person for letting your feelings pour out. I write tons of dark poetry, but in real life, I am quite a laid back, fun to be with person. Ignore those who have clouded up minds.

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  2. death/Who came a-knocking at my door
    Death has visited me to bring me that ribbon
    Death’s yielding fingers tie the ribbon around my neck
    Ready….set…go…

    hauntings …. chronic affliction….fear! Praise the Lord

    .

    oh, and, btw, writing about death does not make you “emo”. It just makes you a wise person for letting your feelings pour out. I write tons of dark poetry, but in real life, I am quite a laid back, fun to be with person. Ignore those who have clouded up minds.

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